It's been almost three years since I forced my way out of an abusive household and I'm still having nightmares about living there, being trapped in an emotional prison. Two in one sleep, no less. In one dream, I was searching for food and dreading sleeping alone after coming back from visiting my mom - clearly searching for sustenance and life to keep me going and clearly feeling alone. Yet these finding actual food and missing my mom were what I actually went through living there. The other dream was me doing something wrong and her scolding me hard for it. She used to call me stupid for not being able to do "simple" things like clean so this was very real. It still felt like I was there in that place after my mom called my name; just for a split-second. Even after this long, she still haunts me. Now, I may not have physical evidence that she abused me, but I will get counselor and doctor records as evidence. Because my mental and emotional state are scarred. She is, among other people, the reason I have trust issues. She is the reason I cry when I am yelled at. She is the reason I have no self-esteem.
Here are some things that she did...
- We were having a fight about God-knows-what and she threatened to throw her scalding hot coffee on me. I'm not kidding, she said something along the lines of "if you don't stop, I'll throw my hot coffee on you!". I even flinched and whimpered.
- She has humiliated me in front of strangers. I distinctly remember being surrounded by random people that I either didn't know from Adam or barely recognized and my stepmom was speaking about how my youngest stepbrother used to get into alot of trouble with the law and such. I felt very pleased about how I hadn't done anything like that ever. So I said, "Aren't you glad I'm not a problem? I don't get into any trouble like that!" But instead of agreeing with me, she not only made it completely awkward for the other three or four people standing there, she scolded me for "not doing chores and being irresponsible" as if that's worse than my stepbro stealing cars, doing drugs, etc.
- I was doing this test thing where it guessitmates how many words you know and it had a pretty high number and I was severely proud. My stepmom comments" "How about stupid? Irresponsible?" Those are the only two words I remember and if I could find the effing facebook post, I'd link it. I remember seeing it in my Memories some time ago. Facebook is shit and won't let me see EVERYTHING. And searching for it doesn't help. She publically called me mean words where everyone could see (not that ANYONE bothered to read it).
- One time, my stomach was so bad that after stepping out of the shower, I coughed and left a "spot" on the rug. I was too young mentally to understand how to deal with it so I left it there. If I was older mentally and didn't fear her, I would have brought the rug to her and asked her what to do about it. Instead of asking me what happened and tellng me how to clean it up, she treated me as a dog. She took my hand and rubbed my hand in it.
- The worst offense? She brought me to church for some event and a friend (at the time) and I talked. I couldn't stand the turmoil of being verbally abused so I told her about how I felt sucidal and thinking it would make a difference, I asked her to go tell her mom to help me. I had no one else to turn to and I felt trapped. I remember being called by my stepmom to go into the car and she told me we would be going home. She not only lured me by my idiotic gullibility, but lied to my face. She was going to dump me at a hospital instead of actually discuss the situation. I attempted to talk her out of it but she wouldn't budge. I tried desperately to explain how I felt but I said something wrong, I dunno what, but she out of nowhere slapped me so hard that my nose bled. I distinctly remember saying "Deb, what the hell?" She frantically reached into glovebox for tissue. Naturally, she immediately brought me home. I had never experienced such a silent drive home before in my life. Once I got home, I hobbled for the couch, just sitting there, unsure what to do since I was still stunned from the slap. One of my stepbrothers walked in and asked if I was okay. I highly doubt that if it was a normal nosebleed, they wouldn't care. He never truly cared about me anyway. But he's his her son, he truly knows just how evil she is. I could hear it in his voice that he either knew what happened or feared the worst. Either way, he knew my nosebleed wasn't just a nosebleed. Before I could say anything, my stepmom shooed me into the bathroom to clean up. Not sure if she ever told her son what happened but whatever. I actually laid in my bed a good long while with the blood still on my face, just staring at the ceiling. I don't know why I let it dry, feeling the crusty blood on my face but I did. Eventually, I went into the bathroom and just stared blankly at the mirror and absolutely hated myself and my life more. From that day forward, my life changed. I know for a fact that the impact of her hand to my face not only caused nosebleeds to happen more often but possibly also altered my brain physically. I have memory problems and overall a hard time thinking. I'm surprised I could even remember those five events as much as I could.
So even though I don't have physical evidence (as of yet), I will be one day taking her to court. I cannot let her steal my dignity, self-esteem, and happiness from me and let her get away with it. Thieves aren't supposed to get away and by not making her see what she did to me, I'm doing that. I cannot just move on from this. I have tried to forgive her. But my dreams are starting to haunt me now, literally. Two dreams in one night is not a coincidence. Action must be taken. She has hurt me with her words, her hands, and stripped me of courage. It is my turn to do all of that with a judge and jury. I don't necessarily want revenge or for her to suffer or even get imprisoned; while those would be delightful, I'd rather have the satisfaction knowing that she truly sees what she did to me. Seeing her cry the way I cried what seemed like every night on the inside. Seeing her change her behavior. She is supposed to be a Christian but she is actually a monster. She put on a face with other people about me but at home, her words were a like a belt full of spikes to my arse. And sometimes, her hands were like claws when they touched me. I even tried to display forgiveness by HUGGING her. She pushed me away, demanding to know what I was doing, as if I were choking her or something. She's awkwardly hugged me before and I just stood there. So why does she freak out when I touch her willingly? She knows she isn't truly a good person even though she hands sandwiches and stuff to the homeless. She knows that her Christian music doesn't make her anger go away. That bitch is as two-faced as they come. I'd give anything for to have some kind of punishment; even if its just community service. She deserves something. I haven't been ablw to escape her even a state away so why should she? Maybe at the end of the day, this journal is just venting. But I feel like I'm still in the losing battle even though I am the one that sat in my mom's house for what was supposed to be for a visit and messaged her and told her that I'm not coming back. My mom decided it was time for me to come home because I did something as small as spilling milk and my body froze into a catatonic state, waiting to be scolded and beaten. My mom loves me to death, literally. She would never abuse me. But seeing me act that way around her made her help me push forward. That was in February of 2014. I stayed with that bitch because I saw her mourn probably worse than me when my dad passed. I wanted to help. But without my dad acting as a buffer between us both, shit hit the fan - shit hit multiple fans. I had to get out of that place quick and I'm so glad I did. I couldn't even last a full year in her presence, let alone breathe the same air with her. She struck fear into my heart like nobody's business. I may still be fearful now but I've had enough. I've spent too long with these nightmares and reminders. She probably forgot all about me, only remembering my dad. She never cared about me, I was just baggage. If I wasn't, she wouldn't have put on a face about how "grateful" she was to have me after my dad died. That was a sack of shit hitting me square in the face. She secretly hated me, I know she did. Her "I love you"s were just lies filled with extra venom to kill me faster. I've been away from her long enough to heal to the point of standing up to her. I'm an adult. I may not be able to cook or clean thanks to her negligence and hate and abuse but I can fight until I have no more breath in my body. She will never give me a sincere apology, which would destroy all the hate I have inside. So instead, she has to feel what I feel. She needs to feel what I felt for a decade all wrapped up in one day in front of a court. Otherwise, she will never feel my pain. I remember showing her the music video for the song Unwell by Matchbox 20 and for one moment, she understood how I felt. But that was a fleeting moment. She is not capable of honest love with me. Everyone else? Maybe. She probably truly loved my dad but I don't know. She probably loves the people around her but if she did, she wouldn't act so two-faced. So her acts of kindness that she so highly regards as making her a "good" person don't mean shit compared to her abuse of me. I at one point hated my dad just as much but I didn't forsee the future and just how much worse my stepmom would be. To be honest, I would rather end our relationship on a good note than slap her myself or see her in prison or get community service or whatever. But believe me, every ounce of me wants her to suffer. But feeling ten years worth of pain in one day is suffering enough. I know the justice system eludes me and I know getting a good lawyer will be difficult as all hell but I trust that God would provide if this was part of His plan. Don't know if it is but I cannot live my life like this anymore. I'm done.
